Alas, Thou Hast Misconstrued Everything!
by theoriginalbookthief07
Summary: Thor wants to clear up some discrepancies about a certain Norse Myth. Loki is being Loki and the rest of the Avengers are amused and confused. Chronologically fourth-ish in the ChristyVerse, set in the middle of "I Dream Things..."


**Hello all, back again! Thankfully, I was able to get this little gem out a lot quicker than I expected.**

 **So, for background: this one-shot takes place somewhere in the middle of "I Dream Things that Never Were (And Ask Why Not)" which revolves around Loki attempting to atone for his crimes on earth, and learning a thing or two in the process. The date for this is...February 2013.**

 **The title comes from Shakespeare's Julius Caesar, and is probably one of my favorite literary quotes.**

 **Hope you enjoy.**

* * *

Alas, Thou Hast Misconstrued Everything!

Afternoons in Avengers Tower tended to be quiet and uneventful. Tony and Bruce were usually squirreled away in the lab, working on…something, Pepper was either busy or furiously typing on her laptop, and Clint, Steve, and Natasha were often on their respective floors.

Christy generally had homework, but would manage to finish it in short order. She often did homework in the lab, and then headed down to the Common Floor to read or watch TV.

Since Thor had returned, with Loki in tow, this routine hadn't changed much.

One such afternoon found Thor and Loki on the Common Floor. Thor was hungry and wanted Pop-Tarts; Loki simply wanted to be somewhere that wasn't his assigned room.

The Common Floor was one of the few places in the Tower he could be that wouldn't provoke controversy.

Pepper was sitting at the kitchen table, answering emails, and Christy was reading on one of the couches.

Thor looked over at Christy from the kitchen. "Where is your father, little one?"

Christy didn't look up from her book. "In the sparring room."

Thor nodded, and plucked a heated pop-tart from the toaster. Loki, who had sat down across from Christy with his own book, rolled his eyes.

For a few minutes, all that could be heard was the sound of Thor's mastication.

"Uncle Thor?"

Thor, snack finished, looked back at Christy. "Aye?"

"Uh…can I ask you something?"

Thor came out of the kitchen and moved towards the sofas. "Certainly, little one. What is it?"

"Well…see, I got this book at school today, 'cause it was library day. And it's, it's…"

She held up the book. The detailed cover image showed a large, ugly giant being speared in the eye by a flying warrior. The title, written in gold lettering, said, "Favorite Norse Myths".

Thor smiled and sat down beside the girl. "Ah, I see. Midgardian accounts of our adventures and deeds. Do they do us justice?"

Christy shrugged. "I guess so. Only, one of the myths said that Uncle Loki had red hair."

Thor snorted. "A minor error." He glanced sideways at his brother and muttered, "Red hair might suit his nature better."

"Yeah, that wasn't too bad. But I…is this one true?"

Christy opened the book to a dog-eared page. Written in neat black type was the phrase "Thrymskvitha".

Thor's eyes suddenly got very wide.

Loki had been half following the conversation, and now smirked at Thor's obvious discomfort.

"Whatever is the matter, brother? Did the Midgardians record one of your drunken escapades?"

"No, by the Norns, this is worse!" Thor cried.

Now Loki was really intrigued. "What could be worse?"

"It's the story about him dressing up as a girl 'cause his hammer got stolen." Christy said, grinning.

Loki's tiny smirk now bloomed into a full-fledged one. "Oh, _glorious_. They recorded that one. That was some of my finest work, you know."

"You would not shut up about it for ages." Thor hissed.

"Why, Thor, do I detect a note of _embarrassment_ in your voice?"

Thor shot Loki a blistering glare, but the god of mischief was on a roll now, and would not be silenced.

"I really cannot fathom _what_ would embarrass you about that particular adventure of ours…"

"So it _did_ happen!" Christy said triumphantly. "Did it happen just like the story?"

Loki leaned forward. "Well, that depends. What does the story say?"

Christy looked down at the page and began to read.

"'One morning, Thor the Thunderer awoke with a yawn and felt for his precious hammer, which he kept under his pillow of clouds.'" Christy stopped. "Well, I know _that's_ not true, you can't sleep on clouds, they're not really solid. We learned that in science."

Thor nodded, hiding a smile. "Aye, that's true. I certainly do not sleep on clouds."

"'But he started up with a roar of rage so that all the palace trembled. The hammer was gone!"

"Now that _is_ accurate." Loki said, rolling his eyes. "He screamed loud enough to wake the dead in Helheim."

"I was not that loud." Thor muttered, mostly for the sake of arguing.

"Yes, you were." Loki replied. "Continue." he added to Christy.

"Okay. 'Now this was a very serious matter, for Thor was the protector of Asgard, and Mjolnir, the magic hammer, was his mighty weapon, of which the enemies of the…'" Christy frowned. "A-seer?" She showed the book to Loki. "It's a weird 'A'."

"Ey-zer." Loki clarified. "A-e-s-i-r. The 'weird A' is an old letter that I suppose your English no longer uses."

"Okay. So what's an Aesir?"

"We are." Thor said. "That was the name given to all us that dwell in Asgard."

"Oh, okay. Uncle Thor, were you really the protector of Asgard?"

Thor coughed lightly. "Ah, well…"

"That's stretching it a bit." Loki said mildly. "When this happened, Thor was…the equivalent of a Midgardian adolescent. A 'teenager,' I think you call them."

Christy nodded. "'Thor hunted and hunted, but Mjolnir was not to be found. Certainly, someone had stolen it. Thor's yellow beard quivered with rage and his hair bristled on end like the golden rays of the sun.'"

Loki rolled his eyes at the overly poetic description.

"'"It is Loki again!" he cried. "I am sure Loki is at the bottom of this mischief!"'

"Your confidence is overwhelming, dearest brother." Loki said sarcastically.

Thor hmphed. "In my defense, _brother_ , if something went awry in the palace, you were generally behind it."

Loki shrugged. "Perhaps."

Christy kept reading. "'But this time, Thor was mistaken. It was not Loki who had stolen the hammer..."

Loki raised his eyebrows in a 'see?' gesture.

"'…he was too great a coward for that…'"

"A coward, am I?!"

Loki's voice was so sharp, Christy shrank back a little. "It's just what the story says." she mumbled. "I don't _actually_ think you're a coward, Uncle Loki."

Loki sighed, feeling guilty. Besides Thor, Christy was one of the few Tower residents that _wouldn't_ happily see him flayed alive currently. "I'm sure you're right. Apologies…it is not your fault."

"Yeah, Reindeer Games, it takes someone with a lot of guts to invade a planet."

Loki pressed his eyes shut as Tony descended onto the Common Floor. Bruce followed in his wake.

"Stark. Banner." Thor raised an eyebrow. "What brings you away from your work?"

Tony smirked. "Jarvis said you were having story time." He sat down in one of the bar chairs.

Bruce took a seat at the kitchen table. "I think I know this story, but I haven't read it in a while. And I wouldn't mind commentary."

At that moment, Steve stepped out of the sparring gym. Taking in the crowd, he asked, "So what's going on?"

Christy brightened up. "Dad, sit with me! I'm reading a story about how Uncle Thor had to dress up as a girl to get Mjolnir back, and Uncle Thor and Uncle Loki are saying what really happened."

Steve, looking extremely bemused, did as requested.

Loki rolled his eyes. "Oh, by the Norns…well, alright. We're doing this properly." He glanced around the room. "Is everyone listening, then?"

Everyone nodded, even Pepper.

"I can multitask." she said. "Besides, I wouldn't want to miss this."

"Very well then." Loki gestured to Christy. "Fair bard, resume your tale."

Christy giggled a little and resumed reading. "'Thor came rumbling up to Loki, saying, "What have you done with my hammer, you thief?" Loki looked surprised, but did not lose his temper or answer rudely…'"

"Accurate." Loki said firmly. "All accurate."

"I didn't call you a thief!" Thor protested. "I merely asked if you had hidden Mjolnir for a prank."

"You did not 'merely ask,' and you woke me out of a restful sleep." Loki corrected sourly, the memory of that morning still fresh in his remembrance.

Christy, meanwhile, was flipping pages in the book. "This part's kinda long, Uncle Loki, can I just sum it up?"

Loki nodded.

"Okay…so Uncle Thor says Uncle Loki took Mjolnir…Uncle Loki says he didn't…they go borrow a feather cloak from someone named Freya…"

"A cousin of mine." Thor clarified. "Renowned for her beauty and kindness."

"And apparently fashion." Tony snarked.

"They borrow the cloak and it's magic, so Uncle Loki uses it to fly to Jotunheim…"

"Wait, couldn't you just teleport?" Bruce asked.

"I hadn't mastered that quite yet." Loki said. "I was still a beginner in my magic."

"Though already quite skilled." Thor muttered, in a tone of part pride, part exasperation.

"And he goes to see Thrym, the king of the Frost Giants…"

At that, both Thor and Loki burst out laughing.

"King?" Thor cried. "Thrym, king? Hah!"

"Show me!" Loki said, gesturing for the book.

Christy handed it over. "See, it says right here that he's a king."

"He was a minor lord, at most." Loki clarified, shaking his head in bafflement. "Why do you think he wanted to marry Freya? He knew it would increase his standing if he could marry a woman of Asgard."

"Well, whatever. So Uncle Loki goes to Thrym and asks for Uncle Thor's hammer back. Thrym says he buried it eight miles underground and he's not gonna give it back unless he can marry Freya. So Uncle Loki goes back and tells everybody."

"And chaos ensues." Steve muttered.

"To put things mildly." Thor agreed. "Freya, of course, would not hear of marrying a Frost Giant. And none of us wanted her to."

"Because it was a forced marriage or because he was a Frost Giant?" Steve clarified.

Thor and Loki glanced at each other. "A bit of both." Thor finally admitted.

"Figures." Bruce said wryly.

"Anyway!" Christy said. "Everybody has a meeting about what to do. 'Then spoke Heimdall, the sleepless watchman who sits on guard at the rainbow bridge which leads to Asgard, "I have a plan. Let us dress Thor himself as a bride in Freya's robes and send him to Jotunheim to talk with Thrym and to win back his hammer."'"

Everyone who wasn't Thor suddenly found the floor very interesting, as huge smiles tugged at their lips.

Thor scowled.

"'"No!" shouted Thor. "I will not dress as a woman! All the gods will make fun of me!""

"And all my battle comrades, too, it seems." Thor said petulantly.

"Point Break, you gotta admit the image is… _interesting_." Tony said.

"It was very 'interesting'." Loki piped up, grinning like the trickster he was. "The fairest bride I've seen in all my long years."

"I'm sure you were very pretty, Thor." Steve said, completely straight faced.

Christy dissolved into convulsive giggles at that.

Thor attempted to scowl again, but cracked under the good-natured assault. "I suppose the whole affair is rather amusing."

"I'm certainly amused." Pepper said. "Alright, I'm done with emails. So, what happened? They found a dress that would fit you?"

"Best ask the bard." Thor said, winking at Christy. "You may continue, little one."

Christy scanned the long pages of text. The story was fine for silent reading, but it was a lot to read out loud, especially for a seven year old.

"Want me to take over, baby?" Steve asked.

Christy shook her head. "No, I got it. 'Then there was great sport among the _Aesir_ …" she shot Loki a triumphant smile, "'while they dressed Thor like a beautiful maiden. They laughed as they brushed and curled his yellow hair and set upon it a wondrous headdress of silk and pearls.'"

"With a substantial veil, I hope." Bruce said. "Unless they gave him a shave."

Loki shook his head. "Thor refused. He had only begun to grow facial hair that summer prior and was very touchy about it. I distinctly remember an argument with Freya and Sigyn about it…"

"They said it would be too conspicuous, I said a veil would hide my beard perfectly well." Thor said. "They gave in."

"Who wouldn't?" Loki cried. "No one wanted to listen to the crown prince of Asgard carrying on like a child!"

"I was not so bad…"

"Yes, you were."

"Guys…" Steve cut in, using his best 'team leader' tone. "Go on, Christy."

"Okay…they make Uncle Thor look all pretty, and Uncle Loki goes with him disguised as a maid, to make sure he doesn't screw it up."

"The only sensible part of this plan so far." Tony muttered. "And I can't believe I'm saying that."

"Wait…" Bruce looked at Loki. "Did you disguise yourself, too or did you use your magic to shapeshift?"

Loki glanced down. "Magic."

"So why didn't you just use magic to make Thor look like a girl, instead of…making him play dress-up and all that?"

Loki caught the scientist's eye and smirked. "Well, Heimdall _did_ specifically say, 'Let us dress Thor himself as a bride.' It was not my place to change his idea. Besides, I don't believe I had the ability to sustain an illusion on someone else yet."

" _Sure_." Tony said.

"And the fact that your brother had to wear a wedding dress and let you handle everything didn't play into this decision at all?" Steve asked rhetorically.

Loki shrugged. "Believe what you will. But let the bard finish her tale."

"The bard wants water." Christy said, flipping pages to count them.

"On it." responded Pepper, who was nearest to the sink.

"Good grief, how long is this story?" Steve said, eyeing the book in disbelief.

"Five and a half more pages." Christy said. "Thanks, Aunt Pepper." she added, as Pepper handed her a glass of water. She drank a few sips and then set the glass on the floor.

Steve promptly moved it onto the coffee table.

" _Dad_." Tony coughed under his breath.

"Feel free to summarize." Thor said to Christy. "It matters not to me if you read all the lines word for word."

"Of course it matters not to _you_." Loki snarked.

"I'll read when people actually start talking." Christy said. "Okay…so they go to Jotunheim, and Thrym is happy, 'cause he thinks it's really Freya, so he throws a big wedding party and invites a bunch of people."

"Ah, the feast." Thor said. "The only good part of this entire scheme."

"So, at first…because they think Uncle Thor is a girl, they give him less food…" Christy frowned. "That's not fair. Girls get hungry, too!"

"But they do not often out-eat men." Loki pointed out. "Would you not say so?"

"Well, yeah, but…never mind. Okay. So they gave him less food, but he was super hungry, so he just started eating everything, and everyone's confused." She scanned the page. "Well, he did eat eight giant salmon and a bunch of sweet cakes…"

Loki rolled his eyes. "And half a side of beef, and an entire pudding, and roasted vegetables, and three barrels of mead…"

"Yes, _thank you_ , Loki." Thor cut in, glowering. "We do not need a recitation of my dietary habits."

" _Habits_?" Tony said. "You mean you _habitually_ eat that much?"

Thor muttered something unintelligibly.

"Yes, he does." Pepper said. "You should see his grocery bills."

"I recompensed you!" Thor cried. "I brought money from Asgard specifically so that you would not be put out with my expenses."

"Is that why there's a sudden influx of gold coins in the vault?" Tony asked.

"Anyway!" Steve said, jerking his head at Christy.

"Okay, so this is the best part! So Thrym's really confused, 'cause he doesn't know why _Freya_ is eating so much, but Uncle Loki says, "'"She has eaten nothing, great Thrym, since she heard your proposal, so great was her longing for you."' And then Uncle Thor doesn't eat anything else."

Tony laughed. "That was a nice save, Reindeer Games."

"I rather thought so." Loki admitted, with less hauteur than normal. This was one of his favorite memories. Odin had actually _praised_ him later for his cleverness.

"And then, Thrym goes to _kiss_ Uncle Thor, 'cause he thinks it's Freya, and Uncle Thor's eyes are really red and angry. And Uncle Loki says, "Oh, that's 'cause she hasn't slept since she heard your proposal."

"I bet he hadn't, but for a completely different reason." Pepper said.

"Again, good save." Steve chimed in. He was enjoying this story.

"'Then again, Thrym was doubly delighted, and he longed to call her his very own wife. "Bring in the wedding gift!" he cried. "Bring in Thor's hammer, Mjolnir, and give it to Freya, as I promised; for when I have kept my word, she shall be mine.'"

"Nice wedding gift." Tony said sarcastically. "What the he—what was the actual Freya supposed to do with it?"

Thor shrugged. "Give it to me, I suppose. She certainly would have had no use for it."

"And, just to clarify, this is all actually happened, yes?" Steve asked.

Loki nodded. "More or less. I cannot remember all that was said verbatim, but it was very near to what is recorded."

Steve shook his head in a combination of disbelief and amusement.

"I have a question, though." Bruce said. "I thought only Thor or someone equally worthy could lift Mjolnir. So how could Thrym steal it?"

Thor frowned. "Mjolnir was not always enchanted so. My father only put that magic on it after I was sent to earth, and when he hurtled it down as well."

"So only you can lift it, Uncle Thor?" Christy asked.

"The spell specifically states, 'whosoever be he worthy shall possess the power of Thor.'" Thor replied. "Technically, that means only me. Practically…I know not exactly what the spell deems as 'worthy'."

Catching a certain gleam in Christy's eye, Steve cautioned, "Thinking you're worthy enough to lift it probably means you aren't."

Thor nodded. "'Tis very true…and that is most likely why I could not do so when I was first banished to Midgard."

"So back to the story..." Pepper hinted. "The hammer gets brought out, and then what?"

Christy grinned. "I like this part. 'Thrym's servant drew nearer, puffing and blowing, strong though he was, beneath the mighty weight. He was about to lay it at Thor's feet, when suddenly, Thor's heart swelled, and he gave a most unmaidenly shout of rage and triumph. With one swoop, he grasped the hammer in his iron fingers, with the other arm he tore off the veil that hid his terrible face, and trampled it under foot. Then he turned to the frightened king, who cowered beside him on the throne.'"

Thor gave a contented grin. "I rescind my earlier statement. _That_ was the only good part of this entire scheme."

"And, once more, you were back in control of things." Loki muttered, a tiny hint of gall in his voice.

"So…I'm assuming Thrym bit the dust?" Bruce asked.

"Nah, I think he bit Mjolnir." Tony said, deadpan.

"It says Uncle Thor killed everybody and knocked the hall over." Christy said uncertainly, giving Thor a sideways glance. "Uncle Thor…?"

"I knocked Thrym unconscious; I remember that much." Thor said.

"There may have been a few…casualties, but I believe we mostly left broken buildings and bones in our wake." Loki agreed. "From what I have read, these Midgardian myths assume we had more power than was actually the case."

Tony gave a sudden smirk. "Hey, kid…" he said to Christy, "does that book have illustrations?"

Christy flipped back a few pages. "This one." she said, holding up the open book.

The black and white illustration showed the infamous "wedding feast," complete with a very veiled Thor and only slightly less veiled Loki.

Tony peered at the image. "Darn." he muttered. "I was hoping for more detail."

Loki suddenly gave a very dangerous smirk. "If it's detail you wish, Stark, I can provide that."

Thor's eyes shot wide. "Loki, _no_ …"

But it was too late. Before their eyes, Loki disappeared, and a tall, stocky figure swathed in white material appeared.

Tony let out a gleeful cackle. Bruce looked horrible confused. Steve appeared to be swallowing laughter, and Pepper just shook her head in exasperation.

Thor looked ready to tear Loki's head off, but was stayed by Christy approaching the figure.

"Woah…" she whispered. She lifted the veil and stated at what appeared to be a young, barely-bearded Thor.

A smile split her face. "That's so cool, Uncle Loki! You did look kinda funny, though, Uncle Thor."

Thor took a deep breath, pushed aside his pride, and smiled. "I suppose I did, little one."

"It was most amusing." Loki said, shifting back to his true form. "As I said, the fairest bride I've yet to see."

Thor growled slightly and rolled his eyes. "Enough of that."

"Anyway!" Christy said, mimicking Steve. "They went back to Asgard with Mjolnir and everyone lived happily ever after…sorta. The end."

Tony stood up and stretched. "Well, _that_ was highly enjoyable."

Bruce followed suit. "I should go look up some other myths. Maybe we can do this again?"

"Perhaps…" Loki said, a trifle uneasy. There were a few less-than-flattering stories about him.

"I'd be up for that." Steve said. He checked the stove clock, which read 5:48 p.m. "Anyone for dinner?"

"Pizza!" Christy yelled hopefully, shooting her dad puppy-dog eyes. "Please?"

"I've got Lombardi's on speed dial." Pepper said helpfully.

Steve shrugged and caved. "Sure, why not?"

* * *

It was later that night; everyone had long since scattered to their own floors.

Loki was in his room, pouring over a battered copy of _The Two Towers_ , when a knock sounded on the door.

"Come in." he said, half-heartedly, knowing it was Thor.

Sure enough, the door swung open, revealing the thunder god.

"I wished to ask about something." he said, seeming almost anxious.

Intrigued despite himself, Loki put down his book. "About what?"

Thor sighed and took a couple steps closer. "I looked at that book, the one Christy was reading from. I know not how the Midgardians heard this tale in the first place, nor why they added certain embellishments, but the way this particular telling ended was…disconcerting to me."

"In what way?"

"It said…it said that I spoke sharply to you, after the whole affair, and refused to let you make any jest of it at all."

Loki looked bemused. "You did do that."

"Aye, and I'm sure my pride was sore wounded, which accounted for my harshness, but…did I truly not thank you at all? You did help me get Mjolnir back."

Loki frowned, trying to remember. "I…don't believe so. Granted, you were very put-out and mostly trying to pretend the whole affair never happened."

"That is still no excuse." Thor inched closer. "Brother, I am sorry. And I belatedly thank you for your help. It was an _excellent_ piece of mischief. Perfectly executed. I only wish I had been a more gracious participant."

Loki could feel the corners of his mouth turn ever-so-slightly upward.

"The book…it also stated that from that moment on, you began to hate me."

Loki's eyebrows moved up in honest shock. "I didn't hate you for that. I was…annoyed, I suppose, but I didn't hate you. Certainly not over something as trivial as you lashing out in wounded pride."

"I thought as much. Still, I did wonder."

"Well, wonder no longer."

Thor gave a hesitant smile. "We did have some good times, yes?" he sighed. "We were not always such bitter foes."

Loki sighed. "No, not always."

"Perhaps our rift could someday mend."

"Perhaps."

Silence lapsed for a moment. Thor shifted nervously.

"Well, good-night then, brother."

He turned to leave.

"Good night…" Loki whispered, so quiet that Thor wondered if he had imagined it.

Not wanting to ruin the moment, he kept walking until he reached his own room.

Having to pose as Freya would never rank high among his memories. But if the mention of that time was enough to make Loki behave like even a shadow of his old self…

Well, perhaps it had been worth it.

* * *

 **So that's that. *Smirks* I had fun with this one. Hope you all did as well :) Thrymskvitha is one of my favorite myths.**

 **While doing research, I found out that there is an actual MCU comic that depicts the myth, which can be found here (take out the spaces): slaymonstrobot .blogspot 2011/05/ manic-monday -thor- . It's well worth looking at if you want a laugh.**

 **Next one-shot will be up...TBD. It's a good deal heavier in tone that this one was, and delves into some of the...issues Steve might have dealt with, having such a varied team of men during WWII. Or, as I wrote in my official summary on my profile, "Steve Rogers has no time for racist crap and neither do his Howlies." I'd been toying with the idea of writing this for a while, so I really hope it comes out well.**

 **Until then,**

 **Reviews are wonderful things...**


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